My civic duty

May 16. Wow! Has it really been over a month since I updated? I don't know how I got here from blogging every day for almost an entire month, but here I am. The day after I posted the last entry, my life was forever changed. That was the day I was chosen for jury duty. I know it sounds a bit melodramatic, but when you come face to face with other people's destinies, you can't help but come out of it with a different outlook on life.

I wish I had tried harder to get out of the experience. I probably could have called ahead and gotten a one-year deferral, since I have three very young children, one of whom is still nursing. I could have mentioned how, as a reference librarian, I am surrounded by newspapers and other media. Being considerably less eloquent orally than I am in writing, none of those options occurred to me at the time, and I was selected to serve on the jury.

The charges in question included several counts of child molestation. Yes, the testimony was heart-wrenching, but what really affected me was the deliberation process. Here's how ours worked: twelve people were locked in a room for eight hours, only allowed to leave for restroom breaks. Even our meals were brought in. During those hours, we engaged in emotionally-charged discussion. There were certain stronger personalities in the group who spent most of the time trying to wear down their dissenters--and for the most part, it worked. I am fairly certain that the decision I reached was my own, but I guess I will never fully know. I left that evening, tired, engorged with milk, and emotionally spent. It had taken me hours to reach a guilty verdict, and while it may have been beyond reasonable, there was a doubt nonetheless. That doubt haunted me for nearly two weeks before I was able to come to terms with it. It interrupted my sleep and impacted my emotions. I lost sense of time and gained back almost half of the pounds I had lost in the previous four months. Also, because of spending time at daycare, my kids brought home a horrible respiratory bug that kept knocked the while family flat for an entire week after the trial.

Some have asked me how I could stand to even look at the type of scum who molests a child, and I am at a loss for words, because it is no longer so clear cut for me. Guilty or not, it is an enormous burden to send a man to prison for the rest of his life. He is a person--someone's son--who, until three days prior, was considered innocent. If, on the off chance, we were wrong, he still may never escape the stigma. And what if we had found him innocent, and wrongfully so? Then we would release a monster on to the street, and a young girl would be disheartened and invalidated. Either way, no one wins in a case like this.

One thing I do know without any doubt is that I will never convict another person as long as I live.